Friendship groups and class/ power

(Continuing a series based on Dunbar’s book, “Friends”. You can find the basic thesis here: https://jotsandscribbles.blog/2023/09/18/introduction-to-friends-by-robin-dunbar/ )

If Dunbar is correct that the average person can only sustain about 150 friendships, then the quality of those relationships and the type of people you are friends with has a massive impact on your life.

150 relationships that are unstable, riven by power struggles and jealousies, will not give you stable loving relationship. Instead, the friendships you invest in will be constantly sucking in your energy, and leaving you on edge. By contrast, if 150 relationships are stable and mutually helpful, then the energy invested in those relationships will help you to feel like your world is stable, you are loved and valued, and the time and care you invest in others is appreciated and makes a difference. This is something that should be uncontroversial- loving, wise, stable friendships will be much better for you than friendships driven by jealously, power seeking and foolishness.

Now for the more controversial element. The type of people who make up your 150 friendships will make a huge difference to your power and influence in the world. It may be worth remembering that Dunbar defines friendship by people caring for helping each other without immediate payback. So the sort of help that can be provided depends on what resources your friends have. Imagine first a group of people (with good relationships) who are a mixture of disabled, unemployed, and working minimum wage jobs with no career prospects, and come from families with this mix. There will be a positive influence from these good relationships. But the power of an individual in this friendship group is very limited. Even if they call on all their friends in an emergency, the financial resources or ability to navigate and change systems if very limited.

Now think of a different group of people. Everyone in this friendship group is doing well in their careers- doctors, lawyers, headteachers, company directors, business owners, etc. and they all come from families like this. Now imagine the potential resources and power that friendship group could bring to bear if one of the group needs help.

To some extent this sort of power differential is inevitable. Particularly given that family makes up a large chunk of your friendship group, family background will make a lifelong difference to the sort of opportunities and support you have.

But for Christians, this sort of power differential is something to be used in service. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve.” Mark 10:45. Jesus had the ultimate connections- he is the Son of God the Father. But he uses his connection to serve those with nothing. So in the church community, those with connections and influence use it to help brothers and sisters in Christ with no influence. Some of that might be through official programs or appeals. But some of it must be through the church being a place where the well connected worship with and eat with and become friends with the un-connected.

For Christians, who may have many friendships, the question is whether we have any friendships with people who lack friendships or friends with resources and influence. If we do not, we should deliberately be looking to make friends with those lacking the support network- whether because of being recent immigrants, disability or mental health issues, or poverty. We mostly shouldn’t be aiming to have our entire friendship group be so needy- part of what we contribute is the ability to draw on resources from friends with resources. But it should be normal for Christians to have some Christian friendships with those who are less influential and connected. It should be warning sign of worldly ambition and power if we do not have such friendships.

The world encourages us to look for the friendships that benefit us, and to trade up for more influential friends if we can. Christ calls us to look for those in need and to seek real friendship with those who can offer us little except themselves. We can risk this sacrifice because we have the ultimate powerful and influential friend- God himself.