What matters in a marriage partner

Earlier this year, we ran some marriage seminars at church. The first session had the headline- marriage is about serving God. If you think that is odd, it may be worth remembering that singleness is also about serving God. In fact from a Christian perspective, any way of life that is not about serving God is idolatrous. Marriage being about serving God includes being a joyful union which shows the loving union of Christ and the church.

Marriage being about serving God together as a team also reorders the priorities for a marriage partner (for those who are looking for one). While it is common to think in terms of chemistry, marriage being about serving God suggests 3 other priorities.

1) Christian. If Marriage is about serving God, that will work best when both spouses want to serve God and want to help their partner serve God, and to be growing in Jesus together. And as a couple together seek to serve God, they also both receive the help of the Holy Spirit, who will help them to show grace, to repent and forgive, and to sacrifice in serving Christ. Seeking a spouse who knows and follows Jesus makes it far easier for the marriage to serve God.

[If you are not Christian, I’d encourage you to become one. But if you don’t then this advice could be adapted to provide some benefit. Seek a spouse who shares your deepest convictions and your most important goals. Don’t rely on superficial similarities or shared interests. If you share the same foundational beliefs and have the same big goals in life (whether wealth, pleasure, status, career, children, politics, travel or whatever) then you are far more likely to work well together through the ups and downs of life.]

2) Competent. Since marriage is a partnership serving God, choose someone competent to work alongside you through life. There are all sorts of different domains of competence- financial, career, social, practical, etc. But the point is that your spouse is not just for a few fun days out. A lot of married life is coordinating and working together to ensure everything gets done- money earned, toilet unblocked, bills paid, food bought, washing up done, kids bathed, homework done and more. So look for someone who is competent and complements your competence. That may be both being all round ok competent. Or it may be each having different strengths and weaknesses. Hopefully you’ll both learn more as you go through life- I’m far more competent with kids now than I was before I had them! And sometimes a health issue may mean someone is suddenly far less competent- and then the well spouse has to do more to keep the family going. But other things being equal, you prepare for marriage by learning to be competent in life, and you are looking for someone competent to share life with.

3) Kind. Marriage is meant to show the loving unity of Christ and the church. So something to look out for in a potential spouse is kindness. Not romantic gestures or the bliss of new love. But whether the person is someone who is kind to others generally. Someone who listens, who is generous, who looks for ways to help. This is where seeing someone with their family and with old friends is helpful- how do they relate in these settings. Kindness is not a flashy virtue, but genuine kindness will make partnership through the ups and downs of life far easier.

Christian. Competent. Kind. The three things to look for in a potential spouse, if marriage is about serving God. What do you think? Am I missing something important?