(This post is exploring implications from the love and trust tank model described here: Trust and love tanks, and implications for relationships – Jots and Scribbles . Please read that post before continuing with this one.)
Keeping ourselves and other people topped up with God’s love and trust helps them show more grace to others
If we rely on other people to meet our fundamental need for reliable love, their failures threaten our sense of being loved and loveable deeply. If we keep remembering that God loves us, if we constantly top up our sense of being loved by looking to Jesus and welcoming the work of his Spirit, then we put less weight on other people. That is something we can work on as individuals- it helps us to show more grace to people, to receive their acts of love and reliability positively and not take acts of unkindness or unreliability with full weight, making allowances for bad days etc. It is also something that we can encourage in others, since this helps people keep their joy in difficult situations and helps relationships be more gracious and stable. Being constantly suspicious and demanding is damaging to relationships and drives away people who might otherwise be good friends.
Colossians 3:12-14 12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
This does not mean that a relationship won’t break down where the other person is consistently acting in a sinful and unloving way, but it does slow the descent into conflict and suspicion relationship and gave space for recovery of the relationship.
Calibrating: Some people are too naïve and trusting
Some people keep believing others are acting with love and trust even when someone is consistently acting unkindly and unfaithfully. This is naïve, and damaging. It enables others to hurt you. It enables others to keep on sinning. It fails to protect others. While most people need more grace and patience in the way they view others, some people need to be more discerning, and stop giving people the benefit of the doubt long after they have proven themselves to be selfish and untrustworthy.
First impressions can make a big difference
I learnt a version of this as a child in school. If you sat quietly and listened in the first lesson, put your hand up to answer a question near the start of a lesson, handed the first few pieces of homework in on time, then the teacher formed a generally positive impression of you. Later one-off mistakes (forgetting homework, reading a book in class etc) might be ignored, or if challenged, the teacher would still think of you as a generally good student who had made a mistake, not a bad student.
So in any setting where you are moving into a new group or area, or welcoming new people into a group or area where you are established, good first impressions make a big difference.
In church life, church leaders can make a good first impression to build trust. This is about going to meet people who are new, going towards people in difficult situations, remembering people’s needs and situations, being reliable and careful in handling their personal information, and doing the actions you say you will take when meeting a new person (I’ll put you in touch with our mums group…etc). Where initial impressions are of care and competence, later one off mistakes tend to be dealt with by grace. This does not mean that no amount of incompetence or unkindness goes without consequence. But it means the relationship is one of mutual care and trust, and correction where needed happens in a low stakes and mutual way. Setting the tone well in the early stages helps build trust for ongoing relationship which is not perfect but is gracious both ways.
And where first impressions are bad- in a church setting, they probably won’t come back!
